By Michelle Pammenter Young
Published: April 5, 2014
(Editor’s Note: The following is a blog post from www.pammenteryoung.com as an update to the cancer journey that started with IBC in June 2012 and decided to rear its ugly head in the form of Brain Metastasis on March 8th, 2014.)
I guess today was my first official day after the larger of the two tumours were removed, so I thought while my mind is intact I’d give you a quick update.
My surgery on Monday March 17th was excellent. Some of you may know I had subconsciously made a very strong plan going into this surgery. It wasn’t something I even thought about, yet, it was something I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You’ve heard over the last few days about my shock of getting Brain Metastasis and how I could hardly believe that after only 5.5 months of being cancer free (NED), it came back in my brain. Certainly the day I found out March 8th was pretty shocking and traumatic. I felt, anger that my kids were going to have to go through this again. I felt rage at the possible loss of intimacy this might have once again on a marriage while going through treatment and I felt an overall sense of “shit not again”.
As the weekend rolled around and my peeps gathered me into their loving protective arms (Wade would have but one of us still has a job to do) I knew I was doing the right thing, and that I was exactly where I should be at this particular point in my life.
We told some stories, we drank champagne, we spoke about the “What If’s” but mostly we spoke about the future.
You know my life credo:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways –
Champagne in one hand – chocolate in the other – body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO
HOO, What a Ride.
I had a lesson that needed to be learned, and through this brain cancer experience, I was finally in a place where I was learning it.
I knew instinctively that I was going across to the other-side, I didn’t know who I would meet there, I knew it would be an amazing life, changing experience, and I also knew I would be back.
I knew that this full life I’ve lived, had crystallized into a life of amazing meaning. Everything I did took me to here. I felt this great warmth and love for people. I felt a great need to understand them, to understand who they were, where they came from, what mattered to them and why.
By now you are asking yourself if I am on drugs. Just to reassure you, I’m on a tiny bit of painkiller but really only less than 5mg and I am fine.
So let me end by telling you, what actually happened. When I met with my team of anesthesiologists I told them I’d be going on a journey, that I’d be having a really great time, but that I very much wanted to come back, so if I was being stubborn, they were to pull me back.
I thought I would go over, meet with some beings/souls/entities, I cannot really describe it other than to say I would know these entities. I thought we’d hang out together, they would welcome me with open arms, we’d almost assimilate (yes like the Borg, but in a good way) and then I would go home with memories and immense internal knowledge.
Let’s just say, I have no visual memories that I can readily pull up, but I have so much knowledge. I know I was there. I know where I am, why I am here and what I am doing here.
I love here. My surgery was a great success. The larger of the two tumours is gone, my team was amazing and now I am recovering. Next steps Radiation Surgery to get the second tumour.
Suffice to say, I’m living a warm, wide, amazing life of love that I just feel oozing from my pours. Yes, I will still have meltdowns over bad food and bad wine, and need my perfect pillow, but I carry with me a huge secret and the joy that will abound the rest of my long life is going to be amazing.
Just don’t bring me shitty Champagne and let me get my sleep and we will all get along well. You can read from about Michelle Pammenter Young at www.pammenteryoung.com and www.beachesandbubbles.com