By Gagandeep Ghuman
Published: May 25, 2015
Published: May 25, 2015
FOR Julie Miller and her twin sister Lisa, silence can speak louder than words. And silence spoke volumes when a pregnant Julie was told she would lose one of her twin daughters in her womb.
Lisa had been with Julie at many of her ultrasounds and knew the excitement Julie felt when she was told she carried twins. And when the doctors told them Julie would lose one of her daughters, it was Lisa who could understand and share that loss more than anyone else.
You would at least have one child, the doctors told her, but Julie knew what one of her daughters will be missing. And Lisa was the only one who could feel the sense of loss no one in the room could understand.
Julie says when she lost her daughter, it was clear Lisa would be there. Julie’s husband knew Lisa would be the only one who could truly understand the loss.
“Lisa is so understanding, and even now I tear up as I think of the loss and not because we speak of it but because we share the feelings. We both share our kids. My loss was her loss. She lost a daughter in some ways the day I lost a daughter. I suspect she was as gutted as me,” says Julie.
Lisa and Julie have been indistinguishable—and inseparable— since they were born 40 years ago in Ontario. They were six weeks early and a surprise for their parents since there was no routine ultrasound testing available at the time. Lisa was the first to arrive followed by Julie 20 minutes later as the nurse felt like there was another baby on its way to the world.
They may be 20 minutes apart but that hasn’t lessened in any way the special bond they have shared for the past 40 years.
“We are always connected, we have to talk every day and we need to be in the same place,” says Julie.
For Lisa, having a twin sister is about having someone who is there to watch your back all the time, someone who not only looks like you but can understand you because they are going through all the stages of life alongside you.
“You grow up together through all stages of life, whether it’s your first day at school or your first breakup and that makes you more confident,” says Lisa.
When Julie was having a difficult time getting pregnant, Lisa even offered to be a surrogate mother. When Lisa went through financial hardship, Julie helped her out. When they have a bad day at work, both know a call to each other will be soothing. An estranged sibling is a concept they both find hard to grasp.
“I can’t imagine that, and I would never be able to put myself in those shoes. It would be like half of me would be missing,” she says.
Both their partners and even parents are well aware they are no replacement for the special bond the sisters share. If their partners had resented their special bond, Julie and Lisa say they would have never married them.
Both sisters say they can just look at each other and understand what they are thinking in a way that sometimes their parents can feel left out. This close bond has also translated into moments when they have been able to feel each other’s pain, literally. Lisa remembers when she was studying at the University of Ottawa, she dreamt that she was pregnant and in labour. When she called Julie the next day, she found out Julie had been taken to hospital to operate for appendicitis.
Lisa and Julie can’t stay far apart for a long period of time. When Julie moved to BC from Ontario, Lisa followed. She now lives on the Sunshine Coast and comes often to Squamish to visit her sister. They have even made similar career choices, working in social services; Lisa works at the YMCA in Gibsons and Julie worked until recently at a social service agency in Squamish.
Lisa says she feels blessed to have a twin sister: “I know how lucky I’m, and I won’t trade it for anything else in this world”
“She loves me unconditionally and doesn’t hold any grudges and is the one person who is always supportive of me and what I do,” says Julie.
Kerri and Amanda Gray (above) have lived the better part of their 34 years together with pacts and secret languages and an intuitive understanding of each other’s sorrows and joys. They are twins who have carried the deep connection they formed in the womb out in the world. Both live in Squamish and have hardly lived apart.
The connection started when they were wombmates—Amanda and Kerri are monoamniotic twins, identical twins that share the same amniotic sac within the mother’s uterus. Monoamniotic twins are always identical and rare, with an occurrence of 1 in 35,000 to 1 in 60,000 pregnancies, which is about 1 per cent of twin pregnancies. Born in Hamilton, they moved to Squamish with their parents, Neil and Sandy Gray. They have three brother and a sister but it’s the connection between them that has been the most overwhelming. Their looks were so alike their mother could recognise them only from a small hole in Kerri’s ear.
Their hearts, Amanda says, have been beating at the same time ever since they were in their mother’s wombs. In school, they made a pact to stay together so when Amanda seemed to be failing in Grade 3, Kerri intentionally underper- formed to stay in her class.
They still remember being taken to the psychologist in school who surmised they had some kind of secret language in which they communicated. What’s not so secret to both is their psychic connection, which has shown up more than a few times in their life, surprising them but also reaffirming their faith in their relationship.
Kerri felt it the first time when they were both students at Don Ross Secondary School. Amanda had been stabbed by a student and even though Kerri was at home, she felt that something was amiss, a feeling she shared with her mother on the phone. A few minutes later, the school authorities had called her mother to tell them about the stabbing at school.
Amanda has also felt these psychic connections. She vividly recalls the moment when she knew there was something wrong with her sister. Kerri had just left home for her pizza delivery job when Amanda felt a strong urge to contact her. There were no cell phones but Kerri recalls how she got the message on a pager seconds after she was hit by a car. Kerri also remembers the time when she unexpectedly had cramps just minutes before Amanda went into labour. “She just called and said, what’s going on—are you in labour,” remembers Amanda.
Even though they have distinct individualities, they realised long ago they can’t be too far from each other. When the family moved to Prince George and Kerri came back to Squamish for a job, Amanda followed her soon after.
“I just felt lost without her,” says Amanda. “Where one goes, the other also moves. We just end up migrating towards each other.”
They will unexpectedly wear the same outfit, will gift similar presents to people, and on any given day, talk at least six or seven times a day, at times mirroring each other’s thoughts in text messages and calls.
But despite being so close, it can be frustrating and annoying to deal with a preconceived idea of sameness people have of them.
“I wouldn’t wish being a twin on anyone,” says Kerri, recalling that even when they were kids, her parents would end up reprimanding them both when one was at fault. Even at school, Kerri recalls, they were called ‘the twins’, one word that easily diluted their individual identities.
“It’s just annoying and frustrating, just because we are twins doesn’t mean we are alike. We are two different people,” Kerri says.
This lifetime of constant confusion also annoys Amanda, who is mistaken for her sister even now and despite the fact that both have different hairstyles.
“It’s annoying because people are constantly confusing us. They will say, “Hey Amanda, how’s it going, and I tell them no, I’m not Amanda,” Kerri says.
Amanda too gets mistaken for her sisters all the time, and that’s why sometimes she just says hi and walks away.
When you walk up to Tylor Potts, make sure he’s the one you are supposed to be talking to. Tylor and his brother Brandin (below)are identical twins and despite the subtle difference in hair length, they are each other’s mirror image. 
And when people mistake Tylor for Brandin or vice-versa, the brothers will let people speak to them without correcting them. “Sometimes I’ll say, ‘I don’t know what you are talking about’ or I tell them when they are done talking, ‘I’ll let Brandin know,” says Tylor, smiling.
Even though they have different personalities, they share a close bond with each other, and have pursued the same interests in sports, from snowmobiling to skiing to cross-country bike racing.
“It’s like having a friend who is always there with you so you are never looking for someone else to do things together,” Brandin said.
When they take part in a bike race, it’s often each other they are trying to catch up to but in a healthy sibling rivalry. And as long as either of them wins, they are happy.
A lifetime of shared interests and togetherness has given them an intuitive understanding of each other’s mind. They often replicate each other’s thoughts and words almost on a daily basis. They recall many instances when they sent the exact message to each other, laughed exactly at the same moments when seeing a movie, have always dated blondes and now have girlfriends that are alike in many ways.
Being so close together also has its moments of psychic connections. One that both remember vividly is when Brandin hurt his arm while snowboarding in Whistler. Both were 16 at the time and were out on a school trip, Brandin to Whistler and Tylor to Science World in Vancouver.
Tylor remembers he felt a sudden surge of pain in his shoulder, which his friends dismissed as a fluke. The pain went away after 15 minutes but Tylor came back to find Brandin in a sling. It’s a story their mom, Pam Potts, knows very well and is a reminder to her of the close bond the brother have.
But the challenge for her when the Potts boys were young was to balance their demands with her other children, Justin and Chelsea. It was really hard for them because a lot of attention would be centred on the young twins, she says. To overcome the challenge, Potts said she would always bring up names of Justin and Chelsea and direct questions at them so they didn’t feel left out.
“You had to be on your toes and talk to your kids and always try to include all of them,” she says.
Another challenge Pam faced was trying to convey the sense that even though the siblings were the mirror image of each other, they had their unique personalities. “People just assumed they are the same, and I always tried to get people to realise they are different,” she says.
But it’s not always easy. She recalls the time when both were kids and Tylor was heavier than Brandin. People, she recalls, would ask her why one kid would be heavier than the other. At school, their teacher would confuse them and change grades and even wonder why they won’t act the same.
“It wasn’t frustrating but I always wanted to educate people that these are two different people and even though they might look like each other, they don’t have to think like each other,” she says.
Potts says she would encourage her boys to invite their friends for an outing to their boat, but would also tell Brandin and Taylor of the importance of family if she felt someone was trying to create a rift between them.
And that is one tip she would like to give every mom who has twins: “Always tell them the family is important, this is your brother or sister and that is someone who will always love you.”
As for Brandin and Tylor, they like being twins and wouldn’t trade it for anything else. And if next time you wanted to ensure you were speaking to Tylor and not Brandin, watch out for a tattoo of an anchor that is engraved on Tylor’s left arm. But even that difference is short-lived. Brandin is planning to get the same tattoo on his left arm, an idea he said first came to his mind until he realised his brother had also thought of getting the same tattoo.
When Marcia Kent had twins (above), she had several questions on how to raise twins but beyond faceless inputs by internet articles, there was no one she could talk to about raising two boys at the same time in Squamish.
“So often in the mom/baby groups it would be moms and their babies one on one, but for me it was me juggling two. I felt like I didn’t fit in as well. When my boys were in the infant/toddler stage, I wanted to reach out and find others who understood what it was like to raise twins,” Kent said.
Five years ago, she started the Sea to Sky Multiples, a Facebook group where parents of twins can talk about their challenges, offer advice, and buy or sell twins-related clothing and material. The online forum now has over 50 sets of multiples within Squamish and spans to Whistler and Pemberton.
It has made it easier for local families to ask questions, share information and also meet once a month to share their experiences and challenges of raising twin children.“We have parents expecting twins, and we help guide them through their pregnancy journey by sharing our stories and experiences. There are families who ask questions like, ‘how did you establish breastfeeding with two babies?’, ‘did they share the same crib?’, and ‘do you put your twins in the same class or their own classes?’,” Kent says.
There are local families buying and selling twin equipment or passing along handy-downs to each set of newcomers. The group also has gatherings as one big group for BBQ’s and play dates, including a ‘Mom’s Night’ and a ‘Dad’s Night’ where parents go out for a drink or dinner without kids.
“Our motto is ‘Strength in Numbers’, and I truly believe we are a great cohorts! Twins or no twins, the community of Squamish and its families are amazing!” Kent says.
And yet there are unique challenges of raising twins. For Marcia and her husband Peter Kent, raising their five-year-old boys, Ryder and Hunter, is a team effort. While there are helpful visits from the family, the day-to-day upbringing falls on both the parents who have adjusted their schedules accordingly.
“Surviving the first few years can be tough, and there are often days when you are lucky if you can find time to take a shower,” says Marcia.
For the Kents, the challenge of raising twins started even before they were born. After years of trying to conceive, Marcia was successful in become pregnant with the help of her fertility specialist and IVF, which increases the chances of having a twin by 20 to 40 per cent. Kent said there are some families in the multiple groups who have endured fertility treatments resulting in twins, another reason why the group is so supportive because parents can relate to that experience.
A lot of twin parents would also be able to relate to the experience of Sarah Salekin (seen with her twin sons below) and her husband Greg Lindsay, who are raising twins while also having to care and provide for two children from Greg’s previous marriage. The sheer physical effort of providing for two children simultaneously is often exhausting for Salekin, mother of two-and-a-half-year-old boys, Abel and Talen. Keeping up with their daily upbringing, from dressing up to feeding them to putting them to bed while catering to their individual personality demands can be hard for parents, she says.
“We always put the kids first, and it’s really hard to carve out some time for your own self,” she says.
Being pregnant with twins was a pleasant surprise for Salekin but she found the logistics of caring for two quite challenging. After she had twins, her mother moved to Squamish to help her out but everyday challenges still remain. There are times when she has to drive around the parking lot looking for double buggies, or when she is alone with the twins in the grocery store and they throw a tantrum. Until recently, it was hard for her to go for a run but then her husband made a special belt to give wider berth to the dogs to run. Finding two spots in a program can be a challenge as Sarah recently found out when she was told there was only one spot left available for soccer.
But along with the small challenges, bigger pressures loom. It costs twice as much to raise twins, and they have to plan ahead on how they will manage finances. That realisation came early when Salekin went to buy car seats and paid $800 for two car seats, and that goes the same for clothes, toys and admissions into programs.
“As they grow older, we plan to enroll them in hockey or in ski schools, and I know it’s going to get more expensive,” she said.
Both Lindsay and Salekin plan to work more and harder to ensure both the children get equal opportunities. Lindsay has two children from his previous marriage which adds to the financial responsibility. She has a part-time job as a nurse and is planning on taking more courses for a full-time position while Lindsay works long hours at his excavating company. But Salekin isn’t complaining.
“My boys give me real focus and a purpose, and they have made working hard for me that much easier. I want to work hard to give them both the best life and the best opportunities,” she said.
Another challenge for twin parents like them is to encourage each child to develop his own personality without losing the natural bond. When she recently noticed that Abel was better at articulating his thoughts than Talen, she made an extra effort to ensure Talen gets enough time alone to learn at his own pace. They both get separate time with each parent so they can learn to be independent and confident.
Despite the small and big challenges, Sarah feels blessed to be a mother of twins, and she knows the special bond between her sons is felt by all twins. At Starbucks the other day, she met a senior who talked to her about how close he was to his twin brother who had passed away. He left with tears in his eyes.
